Healing is Not Something You Have To Earn

The Pressure to Have the "Perfect Summer"

There was a period of time where I genuinely thought I had become lazy. Not “take a nap on Sunday” lazy. I mean the kind of lazy where answering a text message felt like an Olympic event. The kind where dishes started looking emotionally aggressive. The kind where opening my laptop required the same psychological preparation as filing taxes during a hostage situation. And because I am an adult with internet access, I naturally responded by bullying myself about it internally. “Other people are managing more than this.” “You just need discipline.” “You’re wasting time.” “Get it together.” Which is interesting, because if someone I cared about told me they were exhausted, overwhelmed, emotionally numb, struggling to focus, and barely functioning under the weight of life, I would never call them lazy. I would probably tell them they needed rest. Support. Space to breathe. Maybe a snack and a nap. Possibly a long walk where nobody speaks to them. But when it came to me? Apparently the rules were different. I think a lot of us have confused burnout with failure because burnout does not always look dramatic. Sometimes it looks like still showing up to work while quietly falling apart. Sometimes it looks like functioning just enough to convince everyone else you are okay. Sometimes it looks like being so emotionally exhausted that even things you enjoy start feeling like obligations. And the worst part is that burnout can make you feel guilty for being burned out. You start judging yourself for struggling with things that used to feel easy. You compare your current capacity to some past version of yourself who had energy, motivation, and functioning neurotransmitters. You keep trying to “push through” because that has worked before, except now your brain feels like it has 37 tabs open and one of them is playing music but you cannot figure out which one. At some point, I realized I was not dealing with laziness at all. I was dealing with depletion. There is a difference. Lazy people are usually enjoying themselves. I was not enjoying anything. I was tired in a way that sleep was not fixing. Emotionally overloaded. Mentally crowded. Constantly overstimulated. Carrying stress so long that my body had started treating survival mode like a personality trait. And honestly? I think a lot of people are there right now. We live in a world that rewards overextension and then acts surprised when people collapse under the weight of it. Everything is urgent. Everything is loud. Everyone is reachable at all times. Most of us are carrying responsibilities, stress, grief, financial pressure, uncertainty, overstimulation, and emotional labor simultaneously while pretending this is somehow normal human behavior. Then we blame ourselves for struggling to answer emails. Amazing system we have created here. What nobody tells you about burnout is that it shrinks your world. Small tasks start feeling enormous. Decisions become exhausting. Motivation disappears first, then joy quietly leaves behind it. You stop feeling like yourself, but you cannot remember exactly when it happened. You just know you are tired all the time. Not sleepy. Tired. And I think many of us have spent so much time operating in survival mode that we no longer recognize what safety, calm, or rest even feel like in our own bodies. We think exhaustion is just adulthood. We think overwhelm is normal. We think constantly pushing ourselves is responsibility. Maybe some of us have not been lazy at all. Maybe some of us have simply been carrying too much for too long without enough recovery in between. I do not have a perfectly inspiring ending for this yet because I am still figuring it out myself.  But I do know this: You cannot shame yourself into feeling restored. And maybe the first step is learning to stop calling ourselves lazy when what we really are is exhausted.